I do think that women are attracted to confidence and mistake arrogance or controlling behavior for confidence and assertiveness all the time.
I think that this is very insightful. You condensed two hours of my writing to one simple sentence.
I hate you.
But do I think that women have been conditioned to accept that behavior as strength and taught to believe that men without that "strength" will not make good mates,
I used to listen to "talk radio - don't laugh - and back when I'd first heard Dr. Laura, a woman called the show to complain that her husband of 25 years was "very controlling" and now that the kids were in college, and she wanted to take classes herself and do other things besides be a housewife, he was becoming unbearable.
When I heard that, I was about to change the station, figuring that she'd tell him to dump the guy and indulge in a little man-bashing. To my surprise, she told the woman that back when they were dating, her husband was probably "controlling" back then, but she didn't see it that way; she probably saw her husband as being competent and capable and appreciated the degree of detail and planning that he put into things. Yes, the caller agreed.
Dr. Laura went on to describe how common it is; at 22 the caller was too insecure to go off on her own, so she married her college sweetheart. Now that she feels secure, she perceives him to be "controlling", when the truth is that he hasn't changed much at all. So now, he's spent 20 odd years taking care of her - in his own way - only to find out that all those things that he thought he was doing right are suddenly wrong.
Cat, this is obviously not your situation; I just tossed that story out to illustrate something. First, obviously not all men are jerks. And guys at 18 or 24 simply have not learned the finesse and consideration that guys at 38 or 44 should have developed. Second, as I mentioned to Dessie - sometimes it's a matter of perspective. What you see as "strong" and as an insecure 21 yo is completely different from what you see as a competent 31 yo.
And so interesting about Jermaine ending up with the bitchy types.
Someday I'll have to tell you about my first - very short - marriage to C'thulara ("She who must not be named").
My hope is that the men who haven't been ruined by the mean bitches or misguided by the rewards of bad behavior will show up in my life and hopefully my vision has cleared enough to recognize them when they do.
Wow! That was especially insightful, especially that last part. After you've been hurt, it's very, very easy to keep a poor perspective, and to not recognize when something good comes along. But you're obviously both very bright and very capable; I'm sure that when the time comes you're going to rock out!
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Date: 2006-11-28 12:07 am (UTC)I think that this is very insightful. You condensed two hours of my writing to one simple sentence.
I hate you.
But do I think that women have been conditioned to accept that behavior as strength and taught to believe that men without that "strength" will not make good mates,
I used to listen to "talk radio - don't laugh - and back when I'd first heard Dr. Laura, a woman called the show to complain that her husband of 25 years was "very controlling" and now that the kids were in college, and she wanted to take classes herself and do other things besides be a housewife, he was becoming unbearable.
When I heard that, I was about to change the station, figuring that she'd tell him to dump the guy and indulge in a little man-bashing. To my surprise, she told the woman that back when they were dating, her husband was probably "controlling" back then, but she didn't see it that way; she probably saw her husband as being competent and capable and appreciated the degree of detail and planning that he put into things. Yes, the caller agreed.
Dr. Laura went on to describe how common it is; at 22 the caller was too insecure to go off on her own, so she married her college sweetheart. Now that she feels secure, she perceives him to be "controlling", when the truth is that he hasn't changed much at all. So now, he's spent 20 odd years taking care of her - in his own way - only to find out that all those things that he thought he was doing right are suddenly wrong.
Cat, this is obviously not your situation; I just tossed that story out to illustrate something. First, obviously not all men are jerks. And guys at 18 or 24 simply have not learned the finesse and consideration that guys at 38 or 44 should have developed. Second, as I mentioned to Dessie - sometimes it's a matter of perspective. What you see as "strong" and as an insecure 21 yo is completely different from what you see as a competent 31 yo.
And so interesting about Jermaine ending up with the bitchy types.
Someday I'll have to tell you about my first - very short - marriage to C'thulara ("She who must not be named").
My hope is that the men who haven't been ruined by the mean bitches or misguided by the rewards of bad behavior will show up in my life and hopefully my vision has cleared enough to recognize them when they do.
Wow! That was especially insightful, especially that last part. After you've been hurt, it's very, very easy to keep a poor perspective, and to not recognize when something good comes along. But you're obviously both very bright and very capable; I'm sure that when the time comes you're going to rock out!
Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla