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Wow. That sucks. Why are men so stupid?
Because some women allow it?
If all women decided tomorrow that they would stop dating jerks, believe me, the overall populations would see an apparently jump of 20 IQ points.
Unfortunately, that won't happen. As long as some women accept that kind of behavior, the kind of men who pull that crap will never have the motivation to change.
Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla
I do agree that I hold some of the responsibility for how I am treated. I try not to allow him to speak to me in a disrespectful way. I left when I realized that he could be and would be violent towards me. But as much as I agree with Tom's statement I also disagree. It just seems odd that I am not only responsible if I am a jerk but I am responsible if he is a jerk. Doesn't he hold any of the responsibility for his own behavior? But I do agree that if I didn't react there wouldn't be anywhere for all that negativity to go. I won't answer the phone next time. And that is truly a sad thing. He has finally done it. He has pushed me to the place where I don't want to try to be friends. I don't want to try to get along. I just want to try to forget I ever knew him.
His birthday was on Friday and our anniversary was yesterday. I saw that he called me yesterday but I couldn't answer. There was a chance he wanted to pick up the boys. But even that wasn't motivation enough to answer. I am tired of him using the boys, I am just tired of the whole thing. When I think about the things I said on Thursday it makes me feel dirty and awful. That is not who I am or what I am about. Why would I let anyone even Don take me to a place where I am spewing out insults like that on Thanksgiving? I sincerely hope that Cam didn't hear any of what I said. But the bottom line is Don didn't call and ask to speak to Cam. He didn't call and invite his sons to go to dinner with him. And even when he called the 1st time and we were having a somewhat civilized conversation he didn't wish me a Happy Thanksgiving or ask what the boys had been up to or what our plans were. So it would be naive to think that he was calling for the boys yesterday.
No he was calling to finish what he started. He was calling because after more than a decade of tirades and down right disrespect from him I struck back and landed a punch right between the eyes. He decided years ago that if I won't come back, if I won't live with him the way HE wants, then he will make sure that I am miserable on my own. I have tried every way I can think of to keep him in the boys life and also keep him from making me miserable. And I am resigned to raise the boys alone (I essentially have been doing that anyway) if that is what it will take to move forward...
Because some women allow it?
If all women decided tomorrow that they would stop dating jerks, believe me, the overall populations would see an apparently jump of 20 IQ points.
Unfortunately, that won't happen. As long as some women accept that kind of behavior, the kind of men who pull that crap will never have the motivation to change.
Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla
I do agree that I hold some of the responsibility for how I am treated. I try not to allow him to speak to me in a disrespectful way. I left when I realized that he could be and would be violent towards me. But as much as I agree with Tom's statement I also disagree. It just seems odd that I am not only responsible if I am a jerk but I am responsible if he is a jerk. Doesn't he hold any of the responsibility for his own behavior? But I do agree that if I didn't react there wouldn't be anywhere for all that negativity to go. I won't answer the phone next time. And that is truly a sad thing. He has finally done it. He has pushed me to the place where I don't want to try to be friends. I don't want to try to get along. I just want to try to forget I ever knew him.
His birthday was on Friday and our anniversary was yesterday. I saw that he called me yesterday but I couldn't answer. There was a chance he wanted to pick up the boys. But even that wasn't motivation enough to answer. I am tired of him using the boys, I am just tired of the whole thing. When I think about the things I said on Thursday it makes me feel dirty and awful. That is not who I am or what I am about. Why would I let anyone even Don take me to a place where I am spewing out insults like that on Thanksgiving? I sincerely hope that Cam didn't hear any of what I said. But the bottom line is Don didn't call and ask to speak to Cam. He didn't call and invite his sons to go to dinner with him. And even when he called the 1st time and we were having a somewhat civilized conversation he didn't wish me a Happy Thanksgiving or ask what the boys had been up to or what our plans were. So it would be naive to think that he was calling for the boys yesterday.
No he was calling to finish what he started. He was calling because after more than a decade of tirades and down right disrespect from him I struck back and landed a punch right between the eyes. He decided years ago that if I won't come back, if I won't live with him the way HE wants, then he will make sure that I am miserable on my own. I have tried every way I can think of to keep him in the boys life and also keep him from making me miserable. And I am resigned to raise the boys alone (I essentially have been doing that anyway) if that is what it will take to move forward...
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Just wanted to clear up the fact that the Don I was talking about, my "Don(ald)" is actually my father -- who didn't call me or my sister over the holidays which is pretty jerky of him. Nor did he answer his phone when we called him, his excuse being that he was cooking dinner for "his family" (his parents) and was busy.
I can't do much about him being a jerk unless I decide to stop talking about him period but his behavior, along with Cat's Don's, just reinforced my view that men tend to be jerks. I was speaking of men in general, of course; but since I've only met three of you mysterious nice guys in my whole 26 years on Earth, so I figure "jerk" is a term that I can apply to the majority with great confidence.
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That said, I'd also wonder why in 26 years you've met three nice guys. I happen to know that they aren't that much of a minority. Perhaps it's a matter of perspective.
But my main point was that over successive generations a large majority of women have tolerated or even condoned jerky behavior in men. I believe that people - both men and women - will tend to test, if not push he boundaries of their relationships. Some - some - men do this by asserting a form of independence, that is, evincing behaviors that are meant to provide emotional distance. Drinking and gambling all night with the guys, being less considerate about family matters, etc. are examples of this.
Other behaviors are even less explicable; for example, Cat's Don must be some kind of control freak because he's exhibiting attidues of someone who is very possesive and controling, even though they have not been "married" in ten years except in name.
I think that if both men and women were more assertive in outlining their boundaries right form the beginning of a relationship, that there would be fewer instances of the "jerky" and "bitchy" behaivor that those on both sides of the gender line complain of.
Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla
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