never judge a book by its' cover

I know it will be hard to believe but I have a history if you will with Heritage USA. My mom used to work for PTL when they were starting out and during her tenure there she moved into the office on the Heritage USA property (the pyramid). And I spent a few summers hanging out there. MNG was fascinated by the PTL story and I think by the fact that when the topic came up (yeah our conversations do tend to zig and zag) that I actually had personal memory of the place. Oh and when I was a paralegal student I was required to spend a few days in the courthouse during the Jim Baker trial. Yeah I know this reads crazy. Anyway he asked me if I would mind going out there, someone else has taken over the property etc. See the grounds through the eyes of someone who was there so to speak. During our entire friendship, through some very personal conversations, and yeah the yummy sex too. I have never clammed up or been more reserved in my thoughts and feelings as I was today. For whatever reason my experience there is very personal. A lot of my fond memories with my mom are there and practically all my good memories of the church and christianity come from there. I honestly don't have anything bad to say about my experience or the time I spent there.

I felt an overwhelming since of loss walking around the site seeing how run down everything is. My mom made $5 an hour when she was working there. That entire site was built by working class folks money. People like my mom, and all of their money, all of their dreams for this place are ruined. When I would walk around the camp grounds or ride my bike I would meet people from all over the country. People camping out there for the summer. When we went to the upper room site I had a flood of memories of my mom and all her co-workers/friends dedicating the place. How much money they had given to see it completed. How many late hours my mom worked to raise more money to see it completed. And now it's ruined. I guess it didn't occur to me that I would be affected by it, but I was. And for the first time Ms. My life is an open book was quiet and reserved. I couldn't show what I was thinking today. Shock and awe I feel loyal to PTL, or maybe it's to my mom and the people. Now that is really crazy.

Shannon called she wants to go to "Christmas Made in the South" today.  I sent Vikki an e-mail yesterday but I wasn't sure if she would be free.  I worry that she is going to get burned out.  Lord knows I can't afford for that to happen.  She had already agreed to take Corey this afternoon so I could go to the book club meeting.  So I felt a bit like a 12 year old asking for an extra cookie or something.   Check out her response...

That's my job Mr Corey; yes you can bring him earlier tomorrow, just let me know and I can get my errands done in the morning time. I know you won't let me get burned out, but this is working so well; and after all these years, you deserve this time. 

Yeah, Vikki is one of the good things in my world.  Before I found her I didn't use my hours.  It is very difficult to find a provider.  Finding someone reliable, someone who your child feels comfortable with, and someone whose schedule doesn't conflict with the times you might need them is almost impossible.  But I got very lucky in that regard.

Cam went out of town with my mom early this morning.  She decided to take her grandkids for the day.  So it's just me and Corey this morning.  Oh and Michael Jackson I can't forget to mention him.  There is nothing quite like Michael Jackson at 8:00 am on a Saturday morning ;)  I am looking forward to hanging out with Shannon and I am really looking forward to the book club meeting.  I am hoping Angie and I are able to pull this off.  The plan is to have a meeting every 3rd Saturday of the month, there are 8 other women included, so we will see how it goes...

I had a very nice lunch with one of my favorite people. Mr. Corey is not home tonight but I enjoyed the one on one time with Cam. I am watching Hip Hop Honors and I must say MC Lyte is indeed the best female MC of all time. So I think I am going to call it a night and take advantage of the quiet...

I went to Murphy's and then later to Rick's with some of my co-workers last night. I didn't intend on doing the strip club thing not because I am against them or anything I just think they are kind of boring. There is no dancing going on at a strip club, the girls can't dance (just my opinion) and the men won't dance. So you spend the whole time watching bad dancing and girls throwing their crotch in men's faces. My biggest motivation aside from the 2 white russians I had at Murphy's and the idea of watching Jeff get his mac daddy on was Faulkenstein was going and had been drinking! I absolutely couldn't miss Faulkenstein at the strip club. A 3rd white russian, a shot, and a lap dance later I called it a night.

I made sure I was up early and I went to pick Corey up. Vikki was made up and ready to go on her weekend trist with her new man. Have I mentioned that Vikki has a boyfriend? Anyway today has been fairly low key, if I wasn't so prideful I would admit to being just a tad hungover this morning. But I am prideful and I did not have a hangover! I did get some chores done and managed to spend some time outside enjoying this beautiful weather. Cam and I ran Joey until she was panting and now we are all settled in for the evening.

Don called to tell me he was going to pick the boys up in the morning so I could go to church. Church isn't going to happen but I am looking forward to a little quiet time for myself before heading back to work. Who knows maybe this handsome nice guy I know will manage to get some free time too and I will spend part of the day with him...

I swear it has been raining and miserable this weekend. I decided to skip the Walk for Autism because Corey woke up agitated and I didn't think getting the bottom of his shoes wet was going to win me any points. It was HIS birthday after all and I didn't see the point in forcing him to do something he wouldn't enjoy. So we went to IHOP instead my mom was there and I think Corey was happy with the schedule change. After that he hit the streets with his dad. It was just Corey and Don because Cam spent the day with my mom. Don took Corey to get his haircut 1st, I don't think I have mentioned how vain Mr. Corey can be. He is all about having the fresh haircut and his clothes being just right. He was a happy young man riding around with Don visiting that side of the family. And I was able to get a few hours to myself which is always a good thing.

Of course Don only picked Corey up because he was horny and was hoping to convince me to spend the night. As I suspected a leopard doesn't change his spots. He even had the nerve to mention that he didn't leave any nasty or threatening messages the last couple of weeks like I was supposed to give him a gold star or something. I realized today that he brings out the worst in me. When I am around him I feel so much anger and resentment. And anything that is upsetting me about Corey is magnified because I know he doesn't have to deal with any of it. Sometimes Don can go for days or even a couple of weeks without contacting me or offering to lend a hand. Maybe that is love to him but it is just not working for me. And at this point even if he were able to change I have 15 years of pent up anger and resentment that I don't think I can forget or forgive.

I have always said I want to do whatever I can to keep Don in the boy's life, and that is partly true. But I also think I resent the fact that he can just walk away like Corey having autism never happened. I am beginning to realize that a big part of the reason I stick with Don is just to make sure he does his fair share of the work with Corey. But the bottom line is I don't have any control over that and it doesn't matter if we are having sex or not. If I was totally honest with myself I would have to admit that he already did walk away like Corey being autistic never happened. The only thing I have done by continuing to sleep with him is make something that was wrong even worse. I have taken the role of the good mom doing whatever she could to take care of her sons. But the truth is my intentions are wrapped up with so much anger and resentment that there is no way anything positive could come from them. This is the hard truth I have to face if I am ever going to move on with my life.

This week started off good and it has remained that way. Vikki and I are finally on our real schedule so Corey was home yesterday and he will be home today . He has been good lately I try not to talk about it much for fear it will change.

Corey's birthday is on Saturday which is also the day for the Walk for Autism. I figured it would be good to have our friends and family participate in the walk as part of celebrating Corey's birthday. We will see how this grand idea works out. Last year Mr. Corey had NO tolerance for the walk. It was still fairly hot especially for October, there was no shade, and frankly Corey hates to walk anyway. But I will try again (yeah I am a glutton for punishment). The walk is a worthy cause, Corey needs all the excercise he can get, my friends and family would have the opportunity to learn more about autism, and I love any excuse to be outside and active.

Don called my cell phone last night I let it go to voicemail, then he must have called my home phone a few times after I went to sleep. I was surprised when I didn't get a nasty voicemail or an early morning rant for a wake up call this morning. I won't hold my breath though, people don't change that much especially overnight.

Well I didn't go to the reception, I did get my hair done though (finally). It was so gorgeous out yesterday that I spent a fair amount of my time outside with the puppy. I still feel like crap but I figure I will feel like that regardless, might as well enjoy the weather while it lasts. I have to admit that what Herb said to me on Wednesday is bothering me a bit. I guess I have given up to some degree. I do find myself at home a helluva lot more than I would have been 10 years ago. I do find that I don't take Corey with me as much and I am not as determined as I used to be to not let Corey slow me down or keep me from doing the things I want. But it is hard to know if that is Corey wearing me down or me just getting older. There is no doubt that 26 year old me would have gotten out of bed when I woke up at 7:00 and done my hair early so I could go to the Pagan festival at the park, so I would have plenty of time to go to the reception. And 36 year old me didn't start on her hair until noon, missed the park and wound up missing the reception. I did take Corey to Vikki's and went out for a little while yesterday evening. But I guess I am a little worn down. Now when I am invited to a gathering and they ask me not to bring Corey I just don't go, even though I have Vikki to help.

This morning I was invited to my dad's birthday party (yes that is a strange way to write that but it's accurate). I was asked not to bring Corey but to please bring Cam because my dad really wants to see him. I asked Vikki to take Corey so I could go. Is that giving up too? Giving up on the idea of Corey being included, a part of the family, treated like any other grandchild? Probably but I am going to have to pick and choose what is worth it and what is not or I am going to be a miserable angsty mess. I have decided to be grateful I have Vikki and take Cam to celebrate my dads 65th birthday.

I swear this pisses me off. I guess I am a regular menace to society because I have read at least half of the books on that list. I don't believe in censorship I think it is harmful. I think this need american society seems to have to hide sex, violence and basically diversity from our children is sad. I encourage Cam to go to the library and to read. Why would I discourage him from reading a book he chose because of the content?  We allow our children to watch nonsense 24/7.  If your kid can watch Sponge Bob or Ed, Edd, and Eddie he can certainly read " A Wrinkle in Time" (one of my favorites) or Harry Potter.  And what in the world did they find offensive about "A Wrinkle in Time" , "The Outsiders", and "The Lord of the Flies" anyway?  I could have sworn that at least one of those titles were required reading when I was in school. 

Right-wing reactionary dumb asses!!!

I always hate admitting that. It is probably one of my biggest flaws. I have a meeting with Corey's case manager and service providers today. Not a big deal the meeting happens every year before his birthday so his funding can be renewed. What makes today special is it's the 1st time the meeting will be held at my house. I am really worried about that and I considered trying to repair all the damage Corey has done so they wouldn't see it. I didn't want them to think that I wasn't in control of things but the bottom line is I am not. That is the reason I was approved for the extra funding and Vikki and Will were given extra hours in the 1st place. But knowing that doesn't seem to stop my need to appear in control.

You mix the door, the patio, the walls, his bed, and then my OCD need for everything to me neat and you have a picture of a crazy woman :) But I am the crazy woman who managed to get the largest amount of funding per month for her child in my county. The crazy woman who managed to keep said 225lb boy from hurting himself, me, or Cam. That is not all bad. So maybe they will agree that the crazy mom is doing ok even if she is not in control...

Well Cam had inschool suspension today.  Why?  Well because some girl kept harrassing him on Friday and he finally lost his temper.  He's 10 what do you mean he lost his temper you might ask.  Well he kicked and spit on her.  Yup you didn't misread my son hit and spit on a girl.  Well the vice principal called on Friday and seemed very sympathetic especially given the circumstances.  And told me even though they have a no tolerance policy they would not suspend him but he would have inschool suspension today.  Why not suspend him you might ask.  Well according to the vice principal the girl had been asked several times to be quiet and several more to leave Cam alone.  So of course I was dying to know what this rift raft girl was saying to my baby!  What in the world could she possibly say that would cause Cam to react that way.  Well Cam and I are VERY close, talk all the time like only your 10 year old will do ;)  So I was surprised when he wouldn't tell me what she said, not on Friday and not all weekend.  So today I asked him how inschool suspension went and if he had done all the required work so he wouldn't have to go back tomorrow.  He said yes, if you get a 12 or lower you have to go back and he got a 16.  I asked well what is the highest you could get (just curioius, ya know).  His response, "I don't know, I just know I got enough points and I don't have to go back".  So while we were in chatty mode I figured I would ask again.  "So Cam what did the girl say to you?  You know you can tell me, you can tell me anything."  So after much production Cam explains "she said my mom stinks!"  I asked 'him  you mean I am not cool?"  He says "no like you don't bathe."   I began laughing so hard, I don't know why but I found the whole thing quite funny.  So I asked does she go to after school?  "No."  So how does she know I stink?  He looks at me and says "MOM, I know it doesn't make sense but she is a dumb girl anyway, but she insulted you I had to do something."  My baby was defending my reputation, is it bad that I wish he had kicked her again?"  

Just kidding, seriously I am.  I made sure he knew on Friday that it is terrible to kick, to keep his feet on the ground, and under no circumstances do you spit on anyone for any reason.  He has been on punishment all weekend no television and no Leapster.   I took it seriously though I think I lose discipline points for thinking a second kick wouldn't have hurt ;)

OK, I have a blog, not a big secret I keep the link here.  I am more comfortable with my friends list (all 5 of you LOL) going to the blog than traffic from the blog coming here for obvious reasons.  Anyway I made a post about a long standing fantasy of mine and I got a comment I am not sure what to do with.  The guy has a penis shot and everything.  Oh My!  Shouldn't he be on xPeeps?  So do I delete his comment?  Or do I ignore it?  My 1st instinct is to ignore it, I mean am I the big blog hypocrite deleting comments type?  He must have been moved by my words enough to comment and all, right?  But you click on his profile and realize REALLY quick he is a little too much for Ms. Conservative.  I am not going to be adding his blog to my link list, that's all I am saying... 
(update-yeah I had to delete the comment, it was just too strange having a cum shot on my blog)