never judge a book by its' cover

Well Mr. Corey woke up at 7:00 a.m. (nothing new there) but for some reason from the moment he opened his eyes he has been calling for "daddy".  I really wanted to go to the Festival in the Park but I know deep inside that I can't handle Corey in such a crowded, open, public place.  The last time I took him he tried to jump in the pond and almost took me and Cam with him.  So I didn't go but I was also not in any mood to stay home all day.  I went for a drive really and while I was out bought dinner and stopped by Pier 1 to see if they have marked down my chairs yet.  After that I headed home and Corey wasn't happy about that and began yelling and kicking in the car (nothing new there) but for some reason he decided he would just jump out of the car.  Yep that's right Corey tried to open the door and jump out of the car while I was going maybe 55 down Independence (hwy 74 for the non locals).  I turned off and decided I would just drive to Don's.  Let him see that "daddy" wasn't home thinking that maybe he would calm down.  When I got to the stop light to make the left turn Corey did jump out.  To add insult to injury there were a couple of ladies on the corner I think doing a car wash for their church but they saw Corey jumping, running, and screaming in the middle of the street and began to (rush forward and try to help?) of course not they began to pray.  I just began to drive off (corey is autistic but he is not crazy) and as I suspected once he saw me beginning to leave he got his butt back in the car.  I drove to Don's honestly not expecting him to be there.  But he was and as soon as he heard Corey yelling what do you think he did?  Yep came outside with his shoes and wallet because he was just on his way out.  Yep you didn't misread (definitely nothing new there).  

Now here I have to admit that I honestly didn't expect Don to be there, the same way that I didn't expect a reaction when I asked to use his truck so I could get a new door for Corey's room.  But the same anger I felt when he began to go on about how hollow and cheap "those old doors in your house are".  Yep my son completely demolished his door because he was banging so hard and was so angry and Don's response wasn't "are you ok, is Cam ok, is there anything I can do to help out?"  Nope it was "well you know how hollow those old doors are" and tonight he sees us roll up Corey jump out of the car in a tizzy and Cam running behind to tell him everything that happened and his response, I have to run an errand.  It's 7:45 Don on a Saturday night you didn't work and you have been home all day, what is so imperative?  But I didn't ask, what's the point?   I swear I feel like such a big whiner, complaining about my so called terrible life with my autistic son.  So anyway Don said he will pick the boys up in the morning to get their hair cut.  And I guess it would behoove me to use that time to gather my wits...

I am a Bravo fan, first and foremost because it is the only place I can watch the West Wing.  Because of Bravo I have begun watching reality shows.  I watch Project Runway and Top Chef.  Bravo has been doing promos for Six Feet Under.  Sex and the City and Six Feet Under are my favorite tv shows of all time.  Neither should be played on regular tv.  I refuse to watch Sex and the City on TBS.  Do they even show Samantha's parts?  I don't see how they could.  And I won't watch Six Feet Under.  It's just wrong, wrong, wrong.  If you cut out the weed, the inappropriateness what do  you have?  I would love to know how they are going to play the opening death scenes.  Remember the one where the woman thought the blow up sex dummies were spirits being caught up in the rapture?  Classic...

C.R.E.A.M.  for the non Method Man fans that is short for "cash runs everything around me".  Me and probably everybody else.  The summer was tough for me financially.  But I am finally back on track and it is a huge relief.  I don't like living on the edge when it comes to money.  I have my boys to protect and I just don't like not being sure if I am going to have enough money to take care of things.  Thankfully I have survived 3 lay offs, the 1st 6 months after I flushed out my savings and bought the house.  But I am still here, and hopefully the trend of being back on track will last.

Today is Cameron's 10th birthday.  He is without a doubt the sunshine of my life (dramatic yes, but true).  On Monday after we lazed around the house for most of the day I decided to take him to the mall to buy new shoes.  It was just me and him and after we found shoes I decided to stay and have pizza.  We are sitting at the table and Cam holds up his cup and looks up at me and says "mom a toast"  Me being much slower than my child asked "a toast" he says "yes a toast to our last day, you know our last day of summer".  I know it is hard to believe that a boy his age would say something like that but that is just one of the many things he has said that make me turn and shake my head and of course grin ear to ear.  So for the 6 year old who after I learned that I had gotten angry with him in error asked "so mom don't you think you owe me an apology?" for the 9 year old last year who decided he needed to practice his "sarcasm".  For the 7 year old who told me that it was ok for me to call him sweetie and kiss him goodbye but could I please do it in the car?  For the child who holds conversations that I have to pause and make sure I understood.  For the silly boy who can't dance and likes Dire Straits and Yugioh in equal measure.  And for the proud new puppy owner who is already trying to con me into a game of rock paper scissors to decide who is going to take her out tonight.  For all those moments and a million more, Happy Birthday Cam my sweet brown boy...

At first glance you would probably assume my last post was about a man or running away from that type of relationship.  In truth the post was about Corey.  In a lot of ways Corey is my 1st love.  He is definitely the first person I was willing to sacrifice myself for.  The last couple of years have been very difficult for me.  It is funny because when Corey was little I thought that was going to be the worst of it.  And once he was older and had funding it would become much easier for me to manage.  Unfortunately the opposite is true, when he was younger although he didn't have funding he was small and much easier to manage.  He is autistic so there were challenges but in truth my life wasn't all that different from any other parent with a toddler.  I took Corey everywhere and he became the companion I always wanted.  It wasn't like Don was going to go anywhere with me.  Now I had a new set of eyes to go to all the festivals and jump in the car and go to the beach or whatever.  Then a couple of years ago puberty happened, my sweet boy became a preteen with facial hair and seemed to gain 10lbs a week and grow an inch a day.  Now I have a 200+ 5' 11" teenager who has mood swings and still has all the challenges he did when he was 3 but now they make things a lot more difficult to handle.  

I have been very apprehensive about this year because I know I am going to have to bring my A game or Corey is going to miss out.   I feel it is my responsibility to do all I can and protect Corey's interests as best I can.  But some days I just want to be a "normal" person.  I think about that sometimes, the fact that Corey will be 15 in October.  Most parents with children that age are not worrying about childcare or trying to figure out how they are going to be able to go to a movie.  In moments like that I just want to run away, start over.  It is a fleeting feeling of course, I would never turn my back on Corey or the life I have created for the three of us.  But sometimes I do miss the person I used to be...