You scored 79 imagination, 66 confidence, 45 dominance, and 37 generosity!
     You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, SUBMISSIVE lover who prefers to RECEIVE. This means that: You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring. You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. 

     You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover. You tend to be submissive in bed, so you prefer to go along with what your lover likes rather than your own plans. You might like being ordered around and acting out a slave/master fantasy, or perhaps you just get turned on by being helpless and unable to move. Or maybe it's as simple as you lacking courage so prefering firm instructions in bed to make sure you are doing things right. Either way, you won't be dominating your lover anytime soon, and might prefer the missionary position to any others. You would rather Receive than Give. This usually applies more to Oral sex than anything else, and other types of foreplay. This could be for a number of reasons. Maybe you are just very hooked on the sensation of orgasm, maybe you feel you deserve to be treated like a god/goddess, maybe you just aren't confident about your skills when it comes to returning the favour. Maybe you are lazy. Or maybe your partner loves to give and that suits you fine, so everyone is happy. Either way, remember to be a giver sometimes too, as long as your partner likes it. 

     WE SUGGEST YOU TRY: Being Blindfolded and even tied up with scarves, and letting your partner tease, tickle and delight you, in the most tempting way. You are confident and imaginative enough to not mind them doing all sorts of fun things to you, surprises and frustratingly out of your reach pleasure. Just like back and enjoy, and maybe you can return the favour, maybe not.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on imagination

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on confidence

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on dominance

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on generosity
Link: The What's your sexual style? Test written by lu-mina on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
cah1470: (Bleh!)
( Jan. 1st, 2007 08:12 pm)
You are a

Social Liberal
(76% permissive)

and an...

Economic Liberal
(10% permissive)

You are best described as a:




Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test
The Priss
Deliberate Brutal Love Dreamer (DBLDf)

Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss.

Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You're highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You'd take brutal honesty over superficiality any time--your friends always know where they stand with you. You're completely unfake. Don't tell me that's not a word. You're also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy.

These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall hard for you. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards.

You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. And the first to pretend that you're pregnant. LOL. Though you're inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it's not as one of mass destruction. You're choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you're really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Playboy, The Loverboy

CONSIDER: The Manchild

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
 Wow. That sucks. Why are men so stupid?

Because some women allow it?

If all women decided tomorrow that they would stop dating jerks, believe me, the overall populations would see an apparently jump of 20 IQ points.

Unfortunately, that won't happen. As long as some women accept that kind of behavior, the kind of men who pull that crap will never have the motivation to change.

Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla

I do agree that I hold some of the responsibility for how I am treated.  I try not to allow him to speak to me in a disrespectful way.  I left when I realized that he could be and would be violent towards me.  But as much as I agree with Tom's statement I also disagree.  It just seems odd that I am not only responsible if I am a jerk but I am responsible if he is a jerk.  Doesn't he hold any of the responsibility for his own behavior?  But I do agree that if I didn't react there wouldn't be anywhere for all that negativity to go.  I won't answer the phone next time.  And that is truly a sad thing.  He has finally done it.  He has pushed me to the place where I don't want to try to be friends.  I don't want to try to get along.  I just want to try to forget I ever knew him.  

His birthday was on Friday and our anniversary was yesterday.  I saw that he called me yesterday but I couldn't answer.  There was a chance he wanted to pick up the boys.  But even that wasn't motivation enough to answer.  I am tired of him using the boys, I am just tired of the whole thing.  When I think about the things I said on Thursday it makes me feel dirty and awful.  That is not who I am or what I am about.  Why would I let anyone even Don take me to a place where I am spewing out insults like that on Thanksgiving?  I sincerely hope that Cam didn't hear any of what I said.  But the bottom line is Don didn't call and ask to speak to Cam.  He didn't call and invite his sons to go to dinner with him.  And even when he called the 1st time and we were having a somewhat civilized conversation he didn't wish me a Happy Thanksgiving or ask what the boys had been up to or what our plans were.  So it would be naive to think that he was calling for the boys yesterday.  

No he was calling to finish what he started.  He was calling because after more than a decade of tirades and down right disrespect from him I struck back and landed a punch right between the eyes.  He decided years ago that if I won't come back, if I won't live with him the way HE wants, then he will make sure that I am miserable on my own.  I have tried every way I can think of to keep him in the boys life and also keep him from making me miserable.  And I am resigned to raise the boys alone (I essentially have been doing that anyway) if that is what it will take to move forward...
cah1470: (Working)
( Nov. 17th, 2006 02:47 pm)
I am not getting the right results on these quizes lately. Deanna Troi and now this?

What's your fighting style?

You have a chinese, kungfu style of fighting.
Your quite a traditional/religious person and you seem to be fascinated by historic subjects and the way people lived years ago. You are swift with your moves and have lots of skill handling swords and arm blades. You prefer to combat close up and take your fights seriously. You are deadly with or without a weapon, because of your strong karate-like moves. Your special weapon is the Yuan Yang Razor. It takes much coordination to use this weapon. Lucky you're not an unco!
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

cah1470: (plain jane single mom)
( Nov. 17th, 2006 09:42 am)

It is absolutely gorgeous outside today.  I would like nothing better than to skip out of here and meet Shannon for brunch at Southpark.  Maybe go home after that and play with Joey.  Yup, bad dog is out of the doghouse, you know I can't keep a grudge :)  But she is on her own when it comes to a new dog bed because I am done with that.  I think I am going to ask Don to build her doghouse.  He built the pen for his hunting dogs so I am sure he could do it. 

It has been a good week.  I stuck to my normal schedule with Vikki and Corey was very good this week.  I had a couple of rough patches but overall it was a quiet week.  I have the book club meeting tomorrow and of course I didn't read the book again this month, sigh.  Luckily they chose a book I recommended so I have read it before.  I am going to read through it again tonight.  My mom's birthday is tomorrow so I need to find a gift for her.  Angie tried to convince me to have a surprise birthday party for mom but I am hosting Thanksgiving.  So there was no way I was going to throw a surprise birthday party on Saturday and then turn around and have everybody over on Thursday. 

I am looking forward to next week though, I could really use 4 days off.  I had a really hot dream last night where I invited MNG over and had my way with him on the floor in the den.  TMI?  Well why are you reading my LJ anyway LOL!  I have never had someone at my house, you know had like sexually had, so I found the dream a bit surprising.  Then I couldn't help but wonder why on the floor in the den?  Maybe it was because of all the fireplace talk we had earlier in the week?  Could it be that I have finally blown a gasket in the need to have sex department???  Or could it be that things are finally calming down enough that I would actually consider having a male friend over?....Nah, I am just sex starved, no use trying to make it more than that...

Your results:
You are Deanna Troi
Deanna Troi
Jean-Luc Picard
Beverly Crusher
Will Riker
Mr. Scott
Geordi LaForge
James T. Kirk (Captain)
Leonard McCoy (Bones)
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)
Mr. Sulu
You are a caring and loving individual.
You understand people's emotions and
you are able to comfort and counsel them.

Click here to take the "Which Star Trek character am I?" quiz...

cah1470: (it is what it is...)
( Nov. 14th, 2006 09:53 am)
I wish I had a digital camera because a picture is definitely worth a thousand words. Joey (the puppy) decided to chew up her dog bed yesterday. When I got home last night there was stuffing and fabric strewn all over the back. It probably took me 30 minutes to get it all cleaned up. Now me being the big sucker that I am (when it comes to a select few). I went to the store and bought a new bed so she wouldn't have to sleep on the hard floor. Yeah I know she is a puppy please read the sucker part above. Guess what greeted me this morning? Yep she shredded the new bed too, sigh. I didn't have this problem before I guess she is going through a phase. But I have learned my lesson I won't go rushing back to replace the bed. Besides at this rate I can't afford to anyway. I guess I will be outside tonight cleaning up the mess. Again...
cah1470: (shoes)
( Nov. 12th, 2006 09:01 pm)
Today was a good day. I had Corey for 24 hours and I didn't have to go running to Vikki's house. I have been a bit worried about that lately. Worried that my tolerance for him and what I have to deal with was becoming non-existent. But even though we had a few rough patches I was able to calm him down without things escalating out of control. I had a mountain of laundry to do, I am still not finished actually but there is hope :) I don't know why we have so many clothes to do (it's just the 3 of us) and I don't know why I can get on my hands and knees and scrub but I despise doing laundry so much.

So the fight with Don :) He called while I was at Angie's asked about taking the boys for their haircut and I told him I was meeting nstig8r for lunch. All the sudden there is attitude and nastiness. So I asked what was up, "well I am wondering when the fuck you are going to have some time for me?" Excuse me????? Are you crazy????? Of course he is and once again I quickly slipped down the slope of insanity which is my relationship with him. He even brought up me going out of town again. WTF!!!! Are you kidding me? So I told him, "look I went out of town I am not explaining or apologizing, I am meeting nstig8r for lunch, also not explaining and not apologizing. Your 15 year old plan to get someone you don't deserve and lock her up in the trophy case is done. Your 10 year old plan of using Corey to keep me locked up in the house is also done. You didn't step up to the plate, you aren't all that, and I figured it out. I am not coming back and I am not staying home crying with Corey every weekend so next." Oh and I said all of it with a calm cool voice because I am just so over the high school fights and drama. Completely over it. Until next week, sigh... Because it's not over, not by a long shot...I am just going to stick to my guns. I can't be someone else and be mean and nasty all the time. But I can work on keeping distance and hopefully he will move on from this nonsense. Certainly he is tired of it too.

MNG is much better it seems :) He is back to his cheerful home improvement project self, and I am relieved.

Oh well another week...
I stopped by to visit my mom yesterday after work. Cam called me out on mom, and he is right. I don't visit with her or call nearly as much as I used to. He told me that he missed her and of course I can't have that. It was good to go, Angie and Troy were home and we ordered pizza watched a movie like old times. On my way home Don called supposedly to see when he could pick the boys up for their haircut but truthfully I think he just wanted to pick a fight. I don't know what it is but the minute I stop paying him attention and believe me when I say I am over it, I am not kidding. I have plenty going on in my day to day to keep me busy. But whenever I do he starts calling all the time and leaving nasty v-mails when I don't answer. Sigh...

I would really like to just move on. I would really like to say enough is enough have him agree and just move on. When he called during the election we were just chatting you know. It's hard for me to keep much venom with him. I have known him since I was 12, we have 2 sons. And truthfully I am just not the type for a whole lot of anger and drama. But unfortunately since I am not he takes that to mean we are ok again. My mom is always complaining that I am not more firm with him. Take him to court, make him this and make him that. I can't make Don do anything but sometimes I do think my nature of live and let live gives him the wrong impression. Does he make me angry with the way he neglects the boys to punish me? Of course. Should he be doing more to help? Of course. Can I hold a grudge and be all mad and yelling every time I talk to him? Or do I make things difficult for him when he does want to be with the boys? Nope. It's just not me...

nstig8tr was here and we met for lunch. I didn't realize how long it has been since we saw each other face to face. I had a really good time. Of course I tried to convince her to move here:) Once again Vikki came through for me and I took Cam with me. He charmed the ladies as he is known to do. But they can't have my baby. But make no mistake if nstig8tr or her friend Dawn were going to steal a 10 year old it would be mine...
cah1470: (coffee please...)
( Nov. 10th, 2006 01:58 pm)
Thank the lord, I swear I didn't think Friday would ever get here.  Now I just have to survive the quiet until 5:30 and I am out of here!  It is so beautiful outside, why didn't I call in sick today?  It's Veteran's Day for goodness sake.  I never would have thought in a million years that I would be working for a porn company and that I would have to actually show up for work more here than I did when I worked for Lowes.  Go figure.  Cam called me out on it this morning, he wanted to know why we weren't staying home like we used to.  I told him I had to go to work, and he said "I really don't like the job you have now mom, you never get a break.  Can't you find somewhere else to work?"  Spoken like a 10 year old I know.  

Well nstig8r will be in town this weekend, yeah.  And the weather is supposed to be nice tomorrow.  She will be able to see first hand the carolina blue I am always talking about and why I am always whining about being stuck in the cave instead of being outside :)

MNG had a health scare on Wednesday night.  Luckily it turned out just to be high blood pressure and not a heart attack or something fatal.  When I was talking to him yesterday and again today I had this overwhelming urge to give him a hug or something.  I always feel so useless when someone is sick.  As hardcore as I try to be the truth is I am such a girl.  Something my spoiled rotten boys can attest to.  I am a hugger and a nurturer and I want those close to me to feel loved and taken care of.  That is just the way I am.  But don't worry ladies I pulled all that in, I didn't go on and on.  I just asked how he was feeling and then I told him I hope he feels better soon.  You would be proud of me, I swear...
Although I went into it kicking and screaming :-) I found myself in the middle of some pretty interesting political debates today.  Here are just a couple of my comments...

Emily personally I don't think you were duped at all by Katrinia I think it is middle americans that were. As usual they were able to find easy excuses and logical reasons to hide behind the same old prejudices. Katrina was a natural disaster but the non-response of the government was because the people in New Orleans were african american, poor, non republicans and that is the bottom line.

What worries me most about our politics right now is I am not sure where we go from here. I don't think we were justified to go to Iraq and I think being there is wrong but at this point I don't know how we can leave. It is a mess plain and simple a mess that our youth is dying for.

I just watched Bush's speech and as usual watched him stumble and bumble like only he can do. How did this idiot steal the presidency, lord only knows. Oh yeah that's right he said he was a believer, he said he was saved, and he convinced the american public that he was, and they gave him a blank check to do whatever he wanted.

The sad fact is now the true back bone of america will probably stay at home because now they think the satan filled athiests are running things the same way that democrats thought the unintelligent christians were running things before. And they are both wrong. Big business and lobbiest are truly running things and punking the american worker in the process and until we as amercian voters figure that out our government will probably remain a mess. 

Then a blogger had this to say in response...

You are so mistaken. The people in Louisiana were shafted by Nagin and Blanco. Pure and simple. They had no plan for a city below sea level. That's just awful.

As far as Bush goes, like anyone, he's not perfect. He was simply better than the alternatives. Had Gore been president, OBL would be living in this country by now, working his deeds of terror. 

So I couldn't let it end there so my response was...
lbp since you addressed your comment to me I feel honor bound to respond. America sent aid to the victims of the tsunami within 2 days. It took them 5 to get water to New Orleans. Our police force stood at the bridge with guns to keep fellow americans from leaving New Orleans and certain death. The army core of engineers built the sorriest excuse for a levy known to man and are beyond prosecution and law suits. If the netherlands can build a levy please explain why one of the richest countries in the world couldn't manage?

Was the president responsible for a hurricane? Of course not. Did he take his sweet time sending aid and support to tax payers and american citizens? Heck yeah. Why? Well as he told the NAACP and BET several times over the black vote is not one he can win, it is not part of his base, and so it is not a priority. Do I think the same slow response would have happened if the damage had been to Houston? Nope so that by my definition is indeed about race.

Oh and btw Emily I don't find it unusual at all that you are interested in American politics. I have found through my online friends that people outside the US are much more aware of us and other cultures than americans are aware of other countries and other cultures. What I do find interesting is our complete comfort with that notion. The notion that if it is not happening here then it is not worth paying attention to.

And I am really tired of hearing the fight in Iraq being linked to a so called war on terror. The war in Iraq was a mistake. There are several evil dictators on this earth and it is not america's place to remove any of them. Dictators are overthrown by the people when the people get tired of them. Anything else is doomed to failure. Which is why we have become occupiers in the middle of a civil war instead of liberators. Something that other countries already understand and for some reason the youngest country in the bunch can't get through their head. If anyone actually thinks that Iraqis feel liberated by having the infidels force their world view on their country they are living in a dream world.

Ok Emily you got my political voice all out and ranting are you happy now, lol... 

The really funny thing is my thesis length responses were some of the shortest in the bunch.  But I think I have gotten it out of my system.  I try to shut up about politics because the futility of it all really does get on my nerves.  It is good to put my political chops to use every once in awhile but I think I am over the topic for awhile...

I was stranded at work last night with a flat tire. Luckily for me Faulkenstein volunteered to take me to Cam's daycare and home.  For those of you who might not know Faulkenstein and I were hired at the same time.  And have a very interesting history in the sense that our marriages are almost identical.  Our children are even the same age.  It is rare to find someone in the same on again off again nightmare that I call my marriage so of course he and I became fast friends.  Anyway on our way to the daycare I called Don to help me with the tire.  I was joking with Faulkenstein that there is no use in having Don within a 20 mile radius if he couldn't help me when I have car trouble.  And Faulkenstein comes out with "well he has a moral repsonsibility to help you out.  you are raising and caring for his children after all."  Yep he said a moral responsibility.  Which of course is true but sadly I never think of it that way.  

Don did pick me up and he took me back to the car.  The tire was beyond repair as a matter of fact it was completely separated.  I am thanking my lucky stars I wasn't on Independence or 77 with a blow out and had a flat in the parking lot instead...

Well MNG was quite helpful this weekend and he was good company in the mist of my usual weekend drama. I had trouble with my furnace and found myself huddled in bed with the boys friday night. Luckily it turned out to be a blown fuse (disaster averted for now). But the fact that I am not prepared to replace my furnace if it did blow is not good news. I have had my share of financial blows and lord knows it is expensive maintaining a house. So you would think well I just need to make more money that's all there is to it. But I don't see many opportunities coming my way that are going to pay me more than I am making now. And the bottom line is I am making about 35% more than I was making when I bought the house. So I guess I need to get back to basics when it comes to my finances. I have been eating out too much, buying nonsense purchases like starbucks, and just spending money on small things that add up real quick.

The truth is that the last year has been really rough for me and I have been treating myself to things to make myself feel better. But whether or not I deserve to treat myself will be a moot point if I wind up in the cold this winter. So I am going back to the behavior that made it possible for me to buy the house in the 1st place. So I will be brown bagging it for lunch tomorrow that's all I am saying...
What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The Inland North

You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."

The Northeast
The South
The Midland
The West
North Central
What American accent do you have?
Take More Quizzes

I was born and spent half of my childhood in NJ. I spent the rest and my adulthood in NC. I have close ties to my family in NJ and NC.  So I guess that would explain the crazy mix. But I never say Pop I always say soda...
cah1470: (book worm)
( Nov. 2nd, 2006 11:33 am)

I sent the email yesterday and Frankie called the classroom and I didn't hear anything else.  I assume they figured out a way to manage without my help.  Corey came home yesterday and I was expecting a rough night.  But I didn't have one.  He was an angel, perfect actually although I am a little afraid to write it and jinx the whole thing.  He had his dinner, came in and watched a bit of television with me and was asleep by 10:00.  I can't even remember the last time he went to bed that early.  Even this morning he was fine, he was up and ready for the bus without any trouble.  

Maybe throwing up my hands in disgust is the way to go LOL...

cah1470: (shoes)
( Nov. 1st, 2006 12:32 pm)
From: frankie
To: Me
Sent: Wed, 1 Nov 2006 10:43 AM
Subject: Re: Fwd: Please Read 

They called me this morning and left a message that they needed to get in touch with you. I called back when I got out of my meeting and did not get through. Tell them that you need documentation of his behaviors and what was done. You need a track record of the times that they need assistance or wants some one to come and get him. If this happens often, then they can't deny that they need help in order for Corey to get his educational needs met as he is entitled. I will keep copy of email for council for children. 

To: jacqueline.dillman@*****
From: Me

I just returned from a meeting I do apologize but certainly I am not expected to be at the beck and call of the class room it has only been 15 mins or so since your initial call. I am not sure what is going on but I am not going to pick Corey up from school. I don't want this year to be like last year was and frankly I can't afford for it to. I have a job a real job which I can barely hold on to with the already extreme circumstances I live with. I can't just jump up and leave my job. If this situation can not be handled in his autistic classroom with 3 staff members trained to educate autistic children. What in the world can I add to help things? I will come down during my lunch if it is still necessary and do my best to settle him down if you are unable to but I simply can't afford to leave work every time you have a "situation" in the room... 

From: jacqueline.dillman@*****
To: Me

We have been trying to get in contact with you concerning Corey. He had a tantrum this morning in the cafeteria this morning around 8:00am, it is still continuing. He been hitting, pinching, spitting and digging his nails into myself and our two assistants. Currently he is with security until you are able to be reached. We need a response from you immediately. The principal has requested that he be removed from class today, to insure a safe learning environment for the rest of the class as well as the teachers. Please let us know what you want us to do.

Thank you for your support and cooperation.

New Rules-Bill Maher Oct 27th episode. 

And finally, New Rule: America must stop bragging that it's the greatest country on earth and start acting like it. Now, I know — I know this is uncomfortable for the faith-over-facts crowd, but the greatness of a country can, to a large degree, be measured. Here are some numbers: Infant mortality rate, America ranks 48th in the world; overall health, 72nd; freedom of the press, 44; literacy, 55th. Do you realize there are 12-year-old kids in this country who can't spell the name of the teacher they're having sex with?

Now, America, I will admit, has done many great things: making the New World democratic comes to mind, the Marshall Plan, curing polio, beating Hitler, the deep-fried Twinkie. But what have we done for us lately? We're not the freest country. That would be Holland, where you can smoke hash in church, and Janet Jackson's nipple is on their flag.

And, sadly, we're no longer a country that can get things done, either. Not big things, like building a tunnel under Boston or running a war with competence. We had six years to fix the voting machines. Couldn't get that done. The FBI is just now getting email!

Prop 87 out here in California is about lessening our dependence on oil by using alternative fuels, and Bill Clinton comes on at the end of the ad and says, "If Brazil can do it, America can, too." Excuse me, since when did America have to buck itself up by saying we could catch up to Brazil?! We invented the airplane and the lightbulb. They invented the bikini wax, and now they're ahead?!

In most of the industrialized world, nearly everyone has health care. And hardly anyone doubts evolution. And, yes, having to live amid so many superstitious dimwits is also something that affects quality of life. It's why America isn't going to be the country that gets the inevitable patents in stem cell cures, because Jesus thinks it's too close to cloning!

Oh, and did I mention we owe China a trillion dollars? We owe everybody money. America is a debtor nation to Mexico! We're not on a bridge to the 21st century. We're on a bus to Atlantic City with a roll of quarters.

And this is why it bugs me that so many people talk like it's 1955 and we're still number one in everything. We're not. And I take no glee in saying this, because I love my country, and I wish we were. But when you're number 55 in this category and number 92 in that one, you look a little silly waving the big foam "Number One" finger.

As long as we believe being the greatest country in the world is a birthright, we'll keep coasting on the achievements of earlier generations and we'll keep losing the moral high ground. Because we may not be the biggest or the healthiest or the best educated. But we always did have one thing no other place did. We knew soccer was bullshit.

And...and we also had a little thing called the Bill of Rights. A great nation doesn't torture people or make them disappear without a trial. Bush keeps saying the terrorists hate us for our freedom. And he's working damn hard to see that pretty soon that won't be a problem.

cah1470: (My Place-My Space)
( Oct. 30th, 2006 09:11 am)
After I got Corey ready for the bus this morning I started to put the house back in order. It makes me feel better to have things neat, clean, and orderly. And it had the same affect on me this morning. By the time I had my coffee and went to take my shower I was feeling more like myself. I am always a bit frightened by that place I go. A place I seem to find myself in more and more and with less and less to push me there. I am always afraid I am going to do something crazy or irrational. When you feel yourself sinking there is this overwhelming feeling of desperation. But thankfully I come back from there fairly easily. And today I feel like me again. Me with a few more kinks in the armour but still me. Oh and MNG thanks for your company this morning. As usual it always helps my mood to talk to you.

So it's a new week and the sun is shining. I swear it is absolutely gorgeous out today. I think I am going to go to the mall after work and have dinner out just me and Cam. Yet another one of the little things I do to keep me sane. Hopefully after a morning of making my spot my spot again, an afternoon of wonderful weather, and an evening with Cam I will be back to my LOL on the bright side self :)

Well gaining an hour wasn't the good thing it should have been. It was just an extra hour added on to my horror filled day. Yes folks get ready to skim this entry because it is going to be one of those whiny angsty posts that I always seem to write if I have had to deal with my boys for more than 24 hours without a break. I do suspect that my tolerance level for pain and misery is diminishing. Now that I have Vikki and I have normal days it makes the days like this even more unbearable. If I were being honest I would admit that was one the reasons I resisted AFL or a group home environment so fiercely. What do you do once the chains are taken off your neck and you are able to swim without struggling? Do you put the chains back on voluntarily?

So the day is finally coming to a close and I have to admit that I only have a broken refrigerator handle, a broken mop and broom, and my mood as major damages. Not bad actually given the damage I have suffered in the past. The biggest thing with the boys breaking the handle is now I am going to have to deal with an autistic child completely obsessed with food and no lock to keep him out of the refrigerator. And I also now have yet another thing I have to look at on a daily basis that is broken but I can't afford to fix. If there is going to be a major purchase around here it's going to be a car definitely not a refrigerator.

BLEH! BLEH! and double BLEH! I am sure I am a bit crazy for staying home today I know what risks I take trying to keep them here all day. But I am just so weary, bone weary. I just can't. As dramatic as I am sure that reads I just can't do it anymore. I can barely get out of bed. Less say get up and dressed and take the boys out so I can ride around in my car and be reminded of yet another thing that must be replaced (soon) that I can't afford.

Don and I had a pretty nasty fight yesterday (big surprise). I was just so tired of him gaming me making me wait around while he has the free time of his life. And I just couldn't stand it one second longer. Then of course he reminds me that he doesn't want to raise "HIS SONS" separated. This of course is the reason he has had a 10 year get out of jail card while I do all the work. Because he doesn't want this so why participate in it, right? So just to show how far from myself I have gone I asked him in a calm voice if he wanted to take the boys. "Do you want custody of the boys?" Can you believe it? Yeah I can't either I can't believe I asked him that and meant it. So after a 20 min argument he told me he was on his way to pick them up and get their haircut. I let him know that Corey wasn't here and he immediately asked why Vikki had Corey. What did he ask me that for. Every mean hateful expletive I could think of spewed out of my mouth. You dirty miserable bastard why do you care if Corey is at Vikki's? Of course I know the answer because I am not supposed to get any help. If I am not going to stay with him then I deserve whatever bad thing I get. Is it awful to think that he is happy Corey is special needs? Yeah I am really hating Don right now. I said fuck you and fuck in such a succession that he hung up on me. I told him to divorce me, I asked him if he wanted sole custody of the boys, and I told him I was done with him. Yeah it's been quite a weekend. No wonder I was all tight lipped at Heritage USA with MNG. I was still shaking with rage inside. Then Jermaine called while we were out there. He was here, so as usual the lowest of the low is wrapped with bright spots like MNG and my brother being here. I went over to Angie's and spent the rest of the evening with the family.

On paper not a bad weekend, cool Halloween party, Corey spent the night with Vikki so Cam and I had a quiet Sat morning together, the afternoon was spent with MNG, and the evening was spent with Jermaine, but of course you add the junk above and then you wonder why I am not in a padded cell by now. Yeah I wonder the same thing half the time...